Make Room for Magic

An Essay on Letting Go

My dear friend Surabhi asked me if I could write a follow-up essay to my previous one on grief, this time about ‘letting go.’ She is a brilliant writer and an even more brilliant friend. She has been a writing mentor and walking partner to me for years. When she has an idea, it tends to be a good one.

I have thought about the idea of ‘letting go’ for almost a week now. What does it mean to let go of something? What does it mean to you?

It implies that you are holding on to something. Humans are good at that. We hold onto expectations, crushes, grudges, grief, dreams, and the familiar. We cling to what we know and want with a feverish desire. Is this necessarily a bad thing? Holding on to the memory of holding my grandmother’s hand is something I never want to let go of, but the pain I feel when I think about the relationship with my parents isn’t something that I want to stay with me forever.

For me, letting go is a lot about the release of expectation—a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. Or should have been in the past. Rarely in life do our expectations match our reality. 

Rarely do we marry our crushes. Rarely do we get the forgiveness and retribution we crave after a hurt. Rarely does grief totally go away (because then so would love and who wants that). Rarely do we actualize our dreams. Rarely do we jump into the unknown. This can set us up for a lot of disappointment in life. I know from personal experience, from reading too many books and watching too many Disney movies and wanting desperately to fit in with everyone else, that my expectations for what my life should be like have left me very disappointed.

My biological family should love me and show up for me. I should have already written at least seven books by now. I am 35—shouldn’t I be married? Want kids? Be out of debt? Have any idea what I am doing? How can I let go of the anger I hold towards my parents? Towards old partners and fallen friends? Towards myself? I should be successful. I should be thin. I should be normal. I should be perfect. Am I a failure because I don’t have it all figured out at 35? Every time I think about it, I feel a full-body cringe and hot waves of disappointment crash over my skin like the waves of a storm. 

I am in a tiny boat of mess and mistakes. Shouldn’t I know how to steer my ship better?

I hold on to an idea of what my life should look like. I "should" all over myself, comparing me to anyone I feel is more ‘successful’ than me. Anyone who seems more loved and supported than me. They have it figured out, so why can’t I?

What if holding on to these expectations is really holding me back from the surprises in life? The unexpected moments that can bring joy and growth? I am beginning to realize that clinging to my preconceived notions of success and happiness blinds me to the opportunities right in front of me. 

I think letting go an be can act of grace and acceptance for what is. 

I read a book a few years ago that really shifted things for me: The Four Agreements. It’s a short little book with very big ideas. The four agreements are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don’t take anything personally. 

3. Don’t make assumptions.

4. Always do your best.

When I read it, I knew it to be true. You know when you read something and it just feels true? You just know it? That happened, and then I immediately realized if those agreements were true, then I was doing everything wrong and fighting against the current of my life. 

Drowning, really.

The third agreement is ‘don’t make assumptions.’ This one is big for me, as I assumed I knew everything—everyone’s intentions (to hurt me) and that life was going to continue to be terrible. I assumed that because the first three decades of my life were so messy and hard, the rest of my life was only going to get worse. I assumed that because people didn’t have my best interest at heart and didn’t show up for me, it was because I was unlovable or somehow didn’t deserve it. I only made assumptions. I only held onto the ideas I had about how my life was going to be.

I had never let life surprise me, as it truly desires to do. Life can’t wait to love you.

Letting go is not about giving up on my dreams or desires. Me writing this and you reading or listening to it is one of my dreams actualized. It is about releasing the rigid expectations and allowing life to unfold in its own unpredictable, beautiful way. It's about trusting that the universe has a plan for me, even if it doesn't align with my own meticulously crafted script. Oh, how it is a practice to let go of control. To stop trying to figure it out all the time. 

It is a practice of love to let go.

For me, being in control and holding on to my little sad reality was a way to keep safe. Familiar pain is easier to stomach than unknown delight. There is an element of trust to this, and trust is something I didn’t have a lot of. Faith is something I didn’t have a lot of.

Having such rigid expectations of life and of people isn’t very loving. Or fun. We all live in different realities with different experiences. To expect someone to be how I think they should be isn’t really seeing them for who they are. To expect something to happen in life is pointless because life is chaos and we can’t predict the future. It’s wasted energy. Sure, we can work towards goals and hope it turns out how we want. But ultimately, we are at the whim of the unknown. It’s always been this way, and I believe it will continue to be this way.

Being at the whim of the unknown can either be absolutely terrifying (hence why we hold on to expectations so tightly) or...it can be fun. Magical, even.

Let life surprise you. 

My belief system has shifted so much over the last few years. Before, I believed I was an unlovable mess and the universe/God/spirit/whatever you want to call the unknown didn’t care about me. I held on to that belief so tightly because it was the one given to me as a young child. I expected pain, held on to pain. I couldn’t let it go. 

In my mind, ‘shoulds’ stand like tall soldiers, declaring war every time things don’t go how I want them to. How I expect them to. My mind is brilliant, a vast and intricate kingdom, yet fear still lives there, lurking in the shadows. Fear stands guard at the gates, ever-vigilant, and leads the army of ‘shoulds’ into battle. These soldiers, clad in rigid armor, march relentlessly, their heavy boots echoing in the corridors of my thoughts.

The ‘shoulds’ are not just soldiers; they are fierce warriors, demanding perfection, demanding adherence to expectations. Each ‘should’ is armed with the sharp blade of past failures and the piercing arrows of unmet expectations. They launch their assault with relentless precision, aiming directly at my heart, my spirit.

"Remember how they hurt you?" Fear whispers, its voice a haunting echo that reverberates through the halls of my mind. The soldiers of ‘should’ repeat the mantra, amplifying its power. "Remember how you messed up?" they chant in unison, their voices a symphony of self-doubt. "Remember how embarrassing that was?" they jeer, their laughter cold and merciless.

Fortunately for all of us, our belief system is not set in stone. If all you have ever known is fear, it’s hard to let that go. If all you have ever known is disappointment, it’s hard to let go of the belief that things will get better. If all you have ever known is loneliness, it’s hard to believe you are lovable.

But life can surprise you. 

I feel differently now. I thank the soldiers for protecting me when I was little. I thank them for helping me remember my stories of pain long enough for me to be able to hold them differently. I tell them they don’t have to stand guard anymore. That we can trust that I am lovable right now, that things always have a way of sorting themselves out (faster the less I try to control it), and that I can let go of the old story. 

The one where if I don’t have everything figured out, I will die. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s the truth. 

I believe I am unconditionally supported and loved now. I can feel it all around me. In the warmth of a sunrise. In the first sip of my morning matcha. In the embrace of a friend. In the quiet where my late grandma lives on and still whispers to me. In a song that comes up on shuffle that reflects exactly how I feel in that moment. 

Love and support are all around. So I can let go and trust that everything will work out. No matter how big the waves of life get.

Trust in love. Trust in letting go. Trust that you will be delightfully surprised. 

I find that letting go of ‘shoulds’ is not surrendering, but liberating. It is freeing my mind to explore new possibilities, to embrace imperfection, and to find joy in the unexpected. 

I am learning to embrace the present moment, to appreciate the journey rather than obsess over the destination. Letting go of my self-imposed timelines and societal pressures is freeing. It’s kind. It’s fun.                      

If I had everything figured out and controlled every outcome and held on to every little painful story, there wouldn’t be a lot of room for surprise. Or magic. 

Make a lot of room for magic.

It loves to surprise you.

Jessie Raye

What does letting go mean to you?

Me and my dear friend, Surabhi <3

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